Saturday, 6 July 2013

The sunshine can bring a smile , can't hide the pain in my heart

It was a beautiful morning and day here in Glasgow. I started with the best intentions to clean the house from top to bottom. My weekdays are busy and full with talks, meetings and awareness projects. Night times and weekends are a different story - too much time to think maybe. I have always, I think, been a hard worker much like my mum and dad and the last 5 years physically and emotionally were the hardest and toughest of all. As dementia progressed and mum needed me more each day, our days were a case of ‘getting through today to get through tomorrow.’ That is something I hope we can all change, making days the best they can be, giving more time to love, live and cherish.

For the first weekend since my wee mum passed away I felt positive, the sunshine can do that. The sunshine  can lift our spirits the deeper I delved into today’s clear out the more memories I had to face and I was stuck between a smile in my heart and a pain that just won’t go away. Both my mum and dad were great and I remember on the days when it felt too hard I used think oh dad if you were here everything would be okay. This woman you loved and who loved you so much who was lost and a son who was also lost, you would make it ok. Mum at the most critical times made it ok for us both, her greatness shone through her kindness and love kept us going even at our lowest moments .This reversal in roles brought us closer. A son trying to give a mum the care she needed and gave so well to me and she became my best pal and sometimes my only pal but always my best. I miss her so much,  I sit sometimes with broken hearted memories of mum who deserved better and think who going to make it ok. I miss her so much,  there is a pain in my hear that just won’t go away.

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