Monday, 24 September 2012

Feeling lost and numb

I would like to thank everyone for the messages over the last few days, I am pretty lost and numb at the moment and the last 5 years caring for my mum seem lost in a fog ,I can only think of the darkest days at the moment ,the lows and the struggles and its tearing me apart .I made many mistakes caring for my mum and they are at the forefront of my mind ,in fact that’s  why I started my campaign, as my mum struggled with dementia I as her son and carer struggled to cope and fell apart beside her and we almost reached a crisis, I only have good memories of my mum but they are being overtaken by not so good ones of my ability to cope ,be heard and falling apart .which reached a critical point around a year and a half ago. Its all very raw and painful at the moment and I hope I can figure it all out some time soon, one thing is for sure my heart is broken and life will never be the same again ,my mum was an incredible lady and she deserved much better than she got during her journey with dementia from the system, from others and on many occasions from me .I hope one day I can look back with a more comforting memory,but at the moment is all to painful and  I hope my wee mum knows I tried my best even on the darkest days when it all got to much .I also hope to continue campaigning so others have a better journey than us and so that anyone who is carer like me is not sitting at the end feeling let down  and with as many regrets as I have, we cant at this time cure dementia ,but we can cure systems and understanding ,if the system was better and the understanding was better then we would all have a better chance of making it through this tragic illness ,how we made it I do not know at this time ,it was to hard to often and this son is lost and numb
Joan Whitelaw
15-07-1939 – 22-09-2012
Loved by all she met

1 comment:

  1. Tommy, one day it won't be so raw, so uncomfortable. There will be a day you will be able to sit with all that happened good and bad. On that day you will say 'I did the best I could'. Maggie.


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